You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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