My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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