you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
