Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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