Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
