He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
