doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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