my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Also, beer. Big fan.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
