god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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