I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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