Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
