We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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