The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Quick, to the slutcave!
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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