So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
