It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
