i think my tv is drunk
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
