You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
