worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
