It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
