Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
