I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
