You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
