I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
He shit in the fireplace
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
