apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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