How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
