his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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