Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
