dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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