I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
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You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
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He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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