i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
