Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
