Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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