the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Randomize
