two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I can't put those talents on a resume
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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