I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
