yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Pants are for mortals
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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