youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
