I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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