I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize