Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
