I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize
