A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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