so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
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She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
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My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
You've changed since you got that strap on
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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