im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
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