A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
