Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
