The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Randomize
