Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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