apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
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The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
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I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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