i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
