I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
