Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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