Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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