she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
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