is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
