You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
