nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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