I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
