I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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