I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
You're like the curious george of whores
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
