we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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